Last night, despite having worked really hard, I went to bed at 11PM expecting to rest and be restored quite enough and be fit for the chores of the following morning.
Alas! Memories took me back to March 14, 2021 when I lost the most important person, my treasure, my beautiful lovely mom who will not return to me in this world of the living.
In the middle of the sleepless night I chose to wake up! Uuhm! Sorry! To step out of my bed and thought that maybe a pen and a paper could do.
I don’t know who of you wants to hear me, but I write this letter to tell you that whatever you are going through will certainly have an end.
Some days of our lives betray us and engulf us in darkness, and just decide to be hostile without concerting us. We find ourselves just forced to be strong to survive even though sometimes we do retain not enough strengths to make the next move.
In fact, last year on March 14, 2021, I lost my beautiful lovely Mom, but for some reasons I was not able to mourn her, except for some hours that I managed to secure to kiss her goodbye at the funeral day.
She passed away after a year without seeing her, as I last saw her on March 21, 2020, at our home, presenting my then fiancé (now my husband).
By then she was doing well but due to Covid-19 and other life circumstances, a couple of months after I left her, she called me on phone and told me that she was sick.
Before I could ask more, my sweet mother was admitted late February 2021 by a hospital of Kigali.
Her condition started deteriorating in the sickbay for nearly one month until she went into a coma, and died after a couple of days without returning to see us, without allowing me to tell her how much I loved her.
Losing my mother created a vacuum in my heart and negatively affected my being; it was a case of loss of a zealous woman, a hard worker, very smart mother indeed.
Being a mother of seven, and a teacher, her heart embodied the best qualities and values of both a compassionate and wise creature we would imagine. She was our mentor and best friend who had never secured a single minute to breathe a fresh air because our upbringing was quite demanding.
Imagine such a loss! As first born, a daughter, I failed to cope with that shock much as my mother passed on when I was away. That I was not by her side left me traumatic scenes that may take time to get rid of.
My mom had shortly started her retirement as a teacher, which I thought, it was my best time to put her in the best comfort and try my level best to reward her for all that she had been for us.
A loss like this does not go without consequences into our daily lives. Since 2012, I resolved to fill my diary without skipping a day, and by 2016, I had managed to be regular. However, since the passing of my mother, I am no longer consistent.
On so many days, I fail to do what I do best like reading books due to lack of concentration and sometimes, I even fail to proceed with my hobby of writing books.
At times, I feel disoriented, disinterested in so many things, and have mood swings as I think about the loss of my mom with voices that suggest me, that life is nothing. I feel discouraged and disappointed in how this life treated my Mom.
With all this, a voice always whisper to me that I am developing depression signs(God forbid).
When I write this though, my intention is to convey a message to anyone going through their darkest times, that they are not alone.
Many of us are broken and depressed but we can help each other and walk hand in hand.
The problem is that in this society of mine, it is very difficult to find someone who can hear and try to understand that kind of pain. When you try to tell those who you believe could hear you, they seem not to have a clue about your pain.
Many seem not to understand that such sadness can cause mental health problems. The only thing such people will tell you is that you are not the first and the last to lose a parent. Well! A parent of someone will pass every now and then, but it is important to hear everyone in their ways of mourning loved ones. We should bear in mind that at times, mourning is a disease whose healing is hearing.
I focused on mourning loved ones because it’s what I personally experienced, but people may encounter many other losses that can lead them to depression whether they are aware of it or not.
So, what should we do as a society? Do we sometimes check on the people we live together? Do we take some moments to observe them?
Can we realize whether they are making any progress in overcoming what they are going through?
Do we mind mental issues, or we only lose our time judging those that are struggling?
Due to depression, some can be alcoholics, drug abusers, insensitive, and lazy, others, like me, try to hide what they are going through, which may lead to fatality.
Many of us are depressed but we cannot talk about it because we fear the perception of the society.
This is the sickness many people hide or are not even aware of but its consequences are more serious.